Take this paragraph, for example:

By 4:55, with no police officers in sight, the crowd of more than 2,000 had become a rabble, and could be held back no longer. Fists banged and shoulders pressed on the sliding-glass double doors, which bowed in with the weight of the assault. Six to 10 workers inside tried to push back, but it was hopeless.

You know the store opens at 5… you’ve been standing in line for nearly 24 hours… and NOW – FIVE MINUTES before the bargain-harlotte spreads her automatic-glass doors to be raped by the hordes of clothed-cattle, crazed by the promise of discounted appliances and 8 pound bags of Reese’s pieces – NOW you decide to start beating on the door and chanting? If they had at least waited, perhaps the poor Walmart employees (who Im sure were eager to rush to work after their thanksgiving dinner on the one day of the year cashiers should wield cattleprods) could have opened the door instead of fleeing and cowering from the rain of shattered glass which heralded the onslaught of grabby-calloused fingers and payless-shoe-bottoms. The poor saps tried to fight back, pushing on the doors to prevent the inevitable tsunami of depraved-idiocy. At what point does a person want to save money on a blender SO badly, that opening hours, glass doors, human lives, and pregnant women ALL become moot points of irrelevance – paper doors on the corridor to consumer-salvation? It would be one thing if people were excited, and began to playfully jostle the doors and push, accidentally breaking them and then apologetically rushing in through the broken glass – smiling and nodding shamefully at unifromed walmarters as they flooded past them. No, instead, we have this diddy of a testimony:

“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’ ” Ms. Cribbs told The Associated Press. “They kept shopping.”

“Shit – dead or not – I NEED a 20 inch in my kitchen and I am NOT about to pay full price!” I mean WHAT THE FUCK people?! If I look back through the years I have been alive… and try to think of all the manias I have lived through, it’s sad to note how few of them were worthy causes. Take, for example, the Tickle-Me-Elmo… or Beanie Babies… or Harry Potter. You never hear about people climbing over each other to adopt puppies or donate coats. Its always some stupid useless object.

Look, I shop at Walmart at least once a month. The savings on household goods like toilet paper and those little GLAD tupperware things… they’re unbeatable. But NEVER in my time there have I ever seen anyting worth killing someone over. I know this trampling is being classified as an “accidental” death. However, I feel like the second an announcement is made notifying you fo a death in the store and you KEEP BROWSING!?!?!?! Im sorry, but if you dont feel the least bit weird shopping in the same store as a corpse… if nothing inside you tells you to stop and go see what’s happened… if your only response is “i’ve been in line since yesterday” you are as bad as a murderer. You have officially exhibited as little, if not less-, humanity than a homicidal maniac. The second that a snowman-shaped salt-n-pepper shaker-set became more important than another life – you crossed the line from being a slack-jawed imbecile whose idea of employment is participating in a phone survey while you watch your daily two-hour block of Judge Mathis, to a magically-upright mass of cellulose with a need for fried-fare, an insatiable thirst for Cherrywine, and a bloodlust for discounts and bulk-rate shopping.

Abraham Lincoln is rolling in his lofty grave.

I have listened to this album several times, front to back – what I have found is that this is a case of directorial-masturbation. Sadly, Kanye has reached the point where he has a fan base loyal enough to pick up and TRY anything he puts out (except some of them pay for it). I am reminded of that scene in Zoolander where Mugatu says he could wrap a piece of shit in tinfoil and hang it on a fish-hook, because people would still buy it. Were it not for the piece of crumpled tin foil that is Kanye’s production, this turd on a hook would be all too visible and easily recognizable as just that: a piece of shit. The beat on the track Welcome to Heartbreak is crazy… so at this point im sitting there thinking “this may not be so bad” until the solo-scat-humming at the end of Heartless. If you dont know what im talking about put that song on right now and peep this drowning-fish-singing-its-last-hoorah display of egomaniacal idiocy at its best. Then Jeezy comes on the next track and spits some sheer stupidity about not wearing jewels in the summer. Then we have a few 80′s club bangers (<–pointless), followed by the dumbest theme/hook for a song ever… EVER: ROBOCOP! I cant even go on. Nay, I shall – PINNOCHIO! Kill me. Kanye… please, stop being such a lil bitch. You’re an amazing producer, but Primo dont sing and Jigga dont dance…dig? This whole album is like a nine-year-old girl whining because some boy ignored her in fourth period P.E.. Undoubtedly you had good intentions and strong feelings (snicker) behind the making of this album – your only mistake was believing we cared. In conclusion: your album-cover is an appropriate one – a heart deflated… similar to the hunger that clearly has dwindled within you. Or maybe it is WE, who have make it too easy for you to catch a meal. Regardless, if Kanye wasn’t Kanye, he would have never produced these beats for an album of this kind. Bet.

5:08 PM B-Fast: i think 500 miligrams is only half a gram tho
5:22 PM Earl Grey: ok

…or this number:

B-Fast: you been watching lost?
Earl Grey: Does a pimp carry a razor?
B-Fast: shits the bomb right?
Earl Grey: HEYULLS yeah

Countless ideas – including this blog – were conceived in the midst of this 9-5 banter:

B-Fast: i decided i’m gonna write a book based on this dream i had
Earl Grey: o yea? lets hear it
B-Fast: basically i get stranded on a mountian hike and barely survive
i get rescued but i wake up a week later without remembering the whole week after getting rescued
and i slowly piece together all kinds iof crazy shit i did during that week becuase of the effect of the near death experience
mostly a weeklong bender full of drugs and hos
Earl Grey: on a mountain
B-Fast: ha, nah after i get rescued

B-Fast: I love the pinup style.

Grey: Yes – Gil Elvgren is probably my favorite… the SHIT if you will. I will say – the charm in large part resides in the narrative, yknow? So mid-century masogianism [sic] (how the fuck do you spell that?)!

B-Fast: mysoginy? [sic]

Grey: Yeah?

B-Fast: misogyny?

Grey: YEAH!

B-Fast: HA                                                                                                                                                        ha ha ha ha

Grey: you look that up, book worm?

B-Fast: all you do is type it in to google, son

Grey: yeah, or Blackle

B-Fast: do you use Blackel?                                                                                                                              anyway, pinup art is not mysogonistic [sic] – the contrary

Grey: oh is this some stripper-empowerment bullshit? HAHAHAHA I mean – its mysogonisitic [sic] in the sense that the women are always doing some stereotypically cutesy-female bullshit which results in their skirt being caught and hiked up revealing their panties and nether-regions.

B-Fast: true – well, mysogny [sic] is a strong term

Grey: yes, true. Its just all very self-serving is all.

B-Fast: I see that as like spusal [sic] abuse-type stuff

Grey: i guess it does idolize women to an extent – which can be empowering

B-Fast: SPOUSAL

Grey: hahahaha – I guess I just see it as “women aint shit!”

B-Fast: Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

Grey: true… true

B-Fast: that’s mysognyny [sic]

Grey: lick on deez nuts and suck dey dicks… yes, but hardly ABUSE

B-Fast: Im glad feminism has gone away from the idea that for women to have value, they have to be like men… aint nothing wrong with some sexy

Grey: for the most part

B-Fast: YO – times change… kids these days… well, maybe I just didnt know the right girls

Grey: I think it all depends on whether the girl was hot (making it sexy) or ugly (making it gross) in which case it aint sexual at all

B-Fast: I think there’s a difference between admiring the feminine image and minimalizing [sic] women to nothing but sexual objects

Grey: no there isn’t.

B-Fast: HA – ok then

Grey: No – im only half serious – I just think the second you start admiring a woman – biologically speaking – you start to undress, and caress (with your mind, of course). Now, there are women I look at and am in awe of their presence and accomplishments, with ZERO attraction… but I dont ADMIRE those bitches… HAHAHAHAHAHA… just kidding. Sort of.

B-Fast: I think it comes down to: there are hot women, smart women, cool women, and all combinations therein

Grey: and “butts” ones… who are neither cool nor smart.

B-Fast: True. But there are dudes like that too.

Grey: oh HELL yeah – they’re the ones impregnating them and making more dumb-butts-chicks and dudes.

B-Fast: So it’s not a male/female thing.

Grey: well, its a female-thing from our end… and vice versa.

B-Fast: You see that lion riding the horse?

I almost got interested in college football yesterday.

The NRA is saying Obama wants to tax your guns. Wow that’s like worse than hating puppies eating apple pie.

Sarah Palin met world leaders for the first time yesterday. She was pleased to learn that she had actually heard of a few of the continents from which they came. When asked about her policy on Latin America, she remarked that “Florida is lovely this time of year.”

Finally, this one speaks for itself.